Wednesday, August 10, 2011

The Evolution of the Hipster

They're becoming the plague of Vancouver... but find out how hipsters got their start.

Monday, August 01, 2011

Oh, The Bloggess, How I Love Thee

For those who have never checked out my links on the leftish over there I have to say, it may just be worth your while. A couple are people I actually know, many are just good ways to waste time (Failbook changed my sister's life), and one is truly the funniest shit ever. (Besides me of course.) Welcome to The Bloggess.

Not only does she write her own blog, but also a "mommy" column, a sex column, and recently, scary phrases on bananas. Besides Chelsea Handler, and Carrie from Sex in the City (Yes, the fictional character, not Sarah Jessica Parker), she's my hero.

I would like to share one of her truly lol-worthy articles today. As in I actually laughed out loud. I'm not one of those people who write "lol" after every sentence as if they're stoned and everything they say is the most humorous thing ever.

Enjoy:

Lesson 21: Religion - Never Write About It

Hi. If you are very religious and/or easily offended, you should skip this post. Unless you get off on being offended and righteously indignant about ridiculous things. Then, you should totally stick around. Welcome. You totally owe me.

Today we’re going to talk about kids and religion. Personally, I’m not that into organized religion, but I do believe in letting your children find spirituality themselves. That’s why in our house we talk about Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, and the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster objectively, so that our 6-year-old can one day make a decision for herself.

Victor and I aren’t church-goers but we wanted Hailey to experience it for herself, so she goes to a fairly open-minded church with her grandparents. A few weeks ago she entered the Sunday School contest for “Make-your-own-Armor-of-God” with a sword she made from cardboard and tinfoil. She won.

When I asked why she wasn't more excited about it, she said, "I won a bookmark with a dead guy on it." True story. I assume the dead guy was Jesus, but when I asked her if she knew who Jesus was, she told me, "He was God’s neighbor, or little brother or something" and that "he was always getting in trouble and learning lessons." I’m fairly sure she’s confusing Jesus with Dennis the Menace. Which is fine, because she’s 6 and she has time to learn. I do, however, feel that it’s important to pass on your knowledge to your children, and this is why I’ve created a short lesson for kids about everything I know about religion.

Okay, kids ... first up is your christening/baptism/bris. Girls, you’re going to put on the prettiest dress you’ll own and then some stranger will throw a drink on you. This is good practice for the prom. If you’re a boy, you’ll get the same pretty dress, but someone may cut part of your penis off. This is your first taste of the inequality of the sexes ... your sister gets a pretty dress and you get part of your genitals cut off in public. Don’t worry. This all evens out when you’re older.

You will learn many biblical quotations in your life, but you’ll typically only hear them when they’re being used (inaccurately) against you, or when you’re watching The Exorcist. It’s a good idea though to know what these phrases mean, so I’ve made a few translations for you, based on my personal experience.

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” = “None of us are immune to being douche-bags occasionally.”

“For I am with you, and no one is going to attack and harm you, because I have many people in this city.” = “Chillax, y’all. I know a guy.”

“Jesus answered, ‘I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’” = “I am God’s bouncer. If you want in, you better represent.”

“For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” = “If you sin, you’re going to die. If you don’t, you’ll become a vampire. Or something.”

“Your body is a temple.” = “You’re like a big tent. Stop filling your tent with meth and bullshit. Have an Eskimo pie.”

“Give, and it shall be given to you. For whatever measure you deal out to others, it will be dealt to you in return.” = “Karma’s a bitch. Stop being such an asshole.”

“It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” = “No one cares about your stupid Rolex. But in heaven, tiny camels are the new purse dogs.”

“A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.” = “Don’t feed the trolls.”

“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” = “Be nice. It makes you look skinnier.”

“If anyone curses his father or mother, he must be put to death.” = “God’s swear jar is insanely severe.”

“Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.” = “Werewolves are hot, but God is probably Team Edward.”

“Judge not, that ye be not judged.” = “You’re technically not allowed to say nasty things about this post. Sorry about that.”

“There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.” = Um ... wait. Is that really in the Bible? It is? Crap. I’m out.

Good luck, kids.

Dani, it's your Birthday!

I never really got around to planning myself a real birthday party this year. (This is why it's good to have a boyfriend; you never have to plan your own party,) but I still had some fun.

The week before my birthday I decided to have a girls' night downtown with two friends. Since it was my special day I decided where we went: The Roxy. They weren't really drinking, but that didn't stop me. I love the Roxy. Always full of cute, whiteboys.

Halfway through the night a friend I hadn't seen in a while showed up. I gave him a huge hug, and along with the guy he was with we went to get some shooters in the back room.

The friend he'd brought was a little older (and a little balder) than I'd usually go for, but we really hit it off. Our personalities just really clicked. We were making small talk and I asked him what he did for a living. He said that he plays poker for a living, and before I could reply, throws in: "I'm on TV like every day." Well, you don't get to throw around that kind of statement with me around. "You did NOT just say that." I retorted.

Apparently he's in the World Poker Tour. As the night went on he kept name-dropping and I kept telling him I'd never heard of him and making fun of him for being a fame whore. He LOVED he fact that I wasn't falling all over him, and kept calling me "sassy." Ok, I think he actually kept saying I was "snarky," but in the context of "You're so snarky, I love it."

By the end of the night we'd made out a little. In the club. What are we, 19 years old? But it was fun. And he asked me for my number because he wanted to take me out. I figured why not?

When I got home I Googled the guy. Turned out he was about 38-39 years old. Yikes! But he also had made 1.75 Million dollars playing poker. Wow. I've never been one to go for a guy because of money, but those numbers are hard to argue with. Plus maturity-wise guys are supposed to be like 10 years behind girls anyways, so that made us basically the same age in our heads. I was excited to see him again.

I'm Multitalented

I was cleaning out some of my drawers the other day and came across some school work I'd kept. Here are a couple poems I did in elementary school that I thought were cute. I think at this point I was in Grade 3, which seems strange because I used the word "lust" in one poem... But I can picture the classroom I was in when I wrote them, and had class in a portable from grades 4-7. So we'll say Grade 3. I was in APEX, ok!

Haiku

Ding a ling a ling
The ice cream man is coming
Children run and Scream

Tanka (Apparently a type of poem. I'm reisting the urge to write "You're Welcome.")

Night is approaching
Daffodils are closing up
Roses close their eyes
Lilies lay down in their beds
Bedtime for little blossoms