Thursday, October 28, 2010

On a Serious Note

Everyone knows that my blog is usually lighthearted, funny and maybe slightly retarded. Not today.

I found out yesterday that a friend is seriously sick and in the hospital. He's more of an aquaintance to me, I've hung around with him a few times, but he's very close to some people that I care about. He's a super fun guy, and always willing to help out, and it makes me sad.

This is something one of my friends found and is posting around Facebook to keep everyone believing. I hope you enjoy it.

Stay strong Shaun. We're all pulling for you.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Comments

Heyooo to all that actually read my blog! (Aka my sister, her friends, Mo, and a few random friends of mine.)

I've noticed that barely anyone leaves me comments anymore... And it makes me sad. I want comments! I'm not fishing for compliments here. I don't mean you have to write and tell me how good my blog is. I already know (hah). But I LOVE to hear people's opinions on the subject at hand... love what I wrote or hate it.

I also take suggestions about what I should write about. Nicole told me I should blog about hot hockey players and that is by FAR my most visited page of all time. I promise not to hog all the glory.

That is all.

Thank you and enjoy your evening.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Golfing with Dreams Take Flight

As I was leaving work one sunny Friday afternoon my friend Elise texted me that she was in Langley working at a golf tournament and that I should come help her. We'd had so many fun times in the past volunteering at charity tournaments that I just had to come help.

I showed up to find that the tournament was for Dreams Take Flight, the organization I'd volunteered for selling beer at BC Place a few months prior.

The next surprise was that we were doing our old standard: "Chipping for Charity." You paid money for golf balls then had to chip them into a Vancouver 24 Hours newspaper bin. This game is fun because I get to use the best catch phrase ever: "You gotta get it up before you can get it in!" The only thing missing was the free Vodka we used to get when we volunteered for Sammy J's.

We worked for a few hours, and then it was time to take down the tents and have dinner. We didn't have dinner tickets, but her boss and his friend had to leave so we got theirs. The only thing better than food, is FREE food! The dinner was average... golf course food. But the speeches were super inspirational and made us cry.

Inside the clubhouse they were doing a silent auction, so I bid on, and won, a prize. It had a couple bottles of champagne, crystal water glasses, a rice cooker, sushi plates, and hand painted serving plates. So pretty much I'm all set up for when I eventually fly the coop from my parent's place. On the way out a guy gave me another prize: a car safety kit. I really made out well for a random Friday.

Jo-ho-ho and a Bottle of Rum

In July I met up with a boy for some brunch at Milestones (Mmm my fave). The morning went pretty well, we seemed to get along, he was kinda cute, lived in his own appartment, had a truck. He did say one thing I thought was weird though: he didn't have a passport... and, didn't plan on getting one... Because, why would anyone want to leave BC? As someone that loves to travel, and just randomly pop down to the states for a shopping day, I found this perplexing.

After brunch we decided to head out to Abby for some mini golf action. On the way he threw on some country music. Bold move. After talking for a bit more he dropped a bomb on me: "I grew up in a Jehovah's Witness household." Hmmm... grew up in, does that mean he got out of it? And then he mentioned that he's never celebrated a holiday. No Christmas, no birthdays, no Thanksgiving. He's been living away from home for years, so he'd definitely had a chance to do so if he wanted to. Soooo... guess he still IS a Joho. LOVELY.

Mini golf went ok. But, I was finding myself checking out the guy that was playing on the hole behind us. Probably not a good sign.

We left the date saying that we'd talk soon.

I never heard from him.

Untillllll.... a random text about a month later. It went something like: "Hey remember me, the guy you went out with. What's new?"

At this point I can only assume he'd met someone else he liked better, it didn't work out, and now he wants a chance with me.

I wrote back that it was random that he was texting me a month later. He wrote back something like: "Well I never heard from you either so I was scared to message you. Maybe we could grab a drink sometime?"

So I wrote: "Well you're the guy. And you message me after a month? Maybe next time don't be such a pussy."

And that was THAT.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Worst Song of ALL Time

AOL's Radio Blog recently released a list of the 1oo Worst Songs Ever

Some of them I have to agree with, such as:

Mambo Number 5
Butterfly by Crazytown
Lady In Red (Although Kristie loves this one)
Shaggy's It Wasn't Me
The always classic I Touch Myself
Will Smith's Wild Wild West
Achy Breaky Heart (PS - Thanks for unleashing you whore daughter on the world)

Some I love:

Escape (The Pina Colada Song)
Breakfast at Tiffany's
I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)
Everybody (Backstreet's Back)
Afternoon Delight (Hell-o, Anchorman!)
The Spice Girl's classic, Wannabe

And some are guilty pleaseures:

Summer Girls by LFO,
Sometimes When We Touch by Dan Hill
I'll Be There For You -Friends Theme (So what if I clap along ever time?)
MMMBop (ba de ba dop ba do wop, do be op a do wop, beep ba dop a doo whoa whoa)

The song that was declared number one, and for good reasoning, was (It's Time to) Beat dat Beat by none other than the Jersey Shore's resident DJ: Pauly D. It features such gems of lyrical mastery as: "Being a guido's a way of life. I don't represent all Italians, I represent myself. I started this whole GTL's - Gym, Tan, Laundry. And... You have to stay fresh to dance."

Don't believe me how bad it is? Experience it for yourself:



AOL missed something, though. I came across a song while watching "Video on Trial" the other day that far, far surpasses the shittiness of all these songs. Perhaps even put together. You may have to shield your eyes, but please take a listen to the WORST song of all time, hands down, Sneaker Night by Vanessa Hudgens:



I'm sorry. So, so sorry.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Cosmo-Licious

I read an article on a plane recently that made me laugh so much I almost peed me pants, and so loudly the whole plane was wondering what was going on. It was 100 Crazy, Dirty Sex Questions (Answeed in 20 Words or Less) in October's Cosmopolitan.

Some of the questions I actually found interesting, and some were so retarded I can't even handle that people would ask them. Please allow me to share some of the goodies, and my smart ass answers.

1. Could frequesnt shrinking-say due to cold water-cause a penis to become smaller permanantly? Really? REALLY?

8. Is there a suble way to spit out semen after oral sex? Run to the bathroom gagging. They LOVE that.

12. If you're pregnant can the man's penis hit the baby during sex? According to my hero, Carrie Bradshaw, that's where dimples come from.

18. Why is semen so gooey? So your pearl necklace lasts longer.

22. What's the smallest penis ever recorded? They said It's five-eighths of an inch. Poor, poor guy.

27. Is it ok to use an electric toothbrush as a vibrator? Damn, they said no. As a hygienist I could have made a fortune selling these as double-duty!

36. Is it life-threatening for a guy to blow air up your vadge while going down on you, or is that an urban legend? Ok, apparently this one is actually true, it could cause a fatal embolism. Although I have no idea why a guy would do that. They like queefs?

40. What happens if semen gets in my eye? Can I go blind? No, it just gives you magical x-ray vision.

42. He wants me to give his butt hole oral attention. Is that sanitary? That's where poo poo comes from. You tell me!

47. My guy and I have sex frequently, and he always comes inside me. Is it possible to have too much sperm in my vagina? Your mom told me, no.

57. I have braces on my teeth. Can I still go down on a guy? Have you seen the 14-year old whores around lately. Obvs the answer is YES!

67. My guy had a third nipple. Is it as sensitive as his other two? Now it's just getting weird.

83. My partner asked if he could ejaculate onto my face. Why would he want to do that? Lemme guess, you're the same one who asked about the cum in the eye?

94. Is it normal to cry after sex? If it's that bad, dump him darling!

Hope you enjoyed these gems just as much as I did!

Wedding in Harrison

The girlfriend whose stagette I went to recently in Jasper got married this summer. I brought my friend Nick, aka my go-to-date-guy as my, you guessed it, date, because I knew he would be a tonne of fun.

The morning started early when I picked the bride's friend and her fiance up from the airport in Abbotsford. The bride had thought they were getting in the day before and sent her dad to the airport to grab them... oops! So I stepped up to do the shuttle gig. We made a quick stop at Winners to grab a belt and a wedding card.

Once we got home we had some breakie, then had some time to chill so we played a few rounds of "Buzz" the quiz show game for Playstation. For those who have never played, it's crazy fun. Unless you suck, then it's no good. We got a little carried away, then had to rush to get dressed. We left super early to get out to Chilliwack on time, but as it was we were super early.

The wedding ceremony was short and sweet, and we headed out to Harrison Hot Springs where the reception was to be held, and started pre-drinking in our rooms.

A little later we headed down for the reception. It was definitely an interesting mix of people. The groom used to be into some not-so-wonderful things back in the day, and you could definitely tell whose side was whose. The bride's girls were kinda staight and narrow, but fun, while the other side consisted of guys whose occupation we'll define as "self-employed entrepreneurs" and their fake-boobed, short-dressed girlfriends.

The food was average... strangely enough the buffet had been set up in reverse order... entrees first, buns and salads last. The DJ was horrendous. He played way too many slow songs, and didn't even know who any of the artists were that we were requesting. He didn't even know Jagged Edge - Let's Get Married! I mean, come ON! She had told him we wanted to hear the tunes that were popular around 2003-2004 when we started clubbing, and he just was clueless.

Of course we made the wedding fun anyways. It's always great to see one of your friends happy and settled down... and the twixer of Vokda in our room didn't hurt either.

The next morning I woke up hangover free and let Nick convince me to take a ride on his Harley. I'm not a bike person at all, but I have to admit, it's nice. More street-bike looking than leather-clad guy with a beard. The only problem was it wasn't heavy enough to press the line that opens the garage door in the undergorund parking. We had to squeeze out behind someone else. And then I took a ride. One whole block. We went to sushi where the waitress offered me a fork. What a weekend.