Tuesday, March 24, 2009

When you ASSUME you make an ASS of U and ME

It has come to the attention of the management of my blog (aka ME) that some people either don't know how to read... or they misinterpret my blog.

After going to a buddy's to watch the hockey game the other day I was barraged by hours of being called a puck bunny ... and pretty much a whore. It's all in good fun... everyone rags on everyone else... and I do my fair share of dishing it out... but after a while it gets hard to take with a smile.

The things I write in my blog are for people's amusement. So obviously the funny and/or shocking things that happen to me are going to be in it. I don't make these things up. Everything I write in here is the truth. I don't write about the normal day-to-day things because no one cares. So, the blog is basically my life, but exaggerated.

No one should assume I get with any of the guys I write about... or even that I kissed them... or even that I held their friggin' hand! Just because a hockey player ASKS me to get with him does NOT mean I do it!

I don't write this blog for close-minded people who are going to judge me. I write it to make people laugh. I write it so my coupled-up friends can live vicariously thorough me. Sometimes I write about things to inform people, or open up their eyes to something. Most people tell me they enjoy my blog... and the rest can keep their nasty opinions to themselves.

Where's the fire?

Well it's not in my HEART after meeting a new guy! Let me dish:

A few weeks ago I went out with this fireman. Well he's a volunteer but close enough. We headed to the Fox and the Fiddle to watch the hockey game but since there was also a UFC fight the only room was on the freezing patio so we headed to Boston Pizza instead.

He seemed like a nice guy... and pretty cute. When he first showed up he was wearing a black coat with the hood on and looked really good. But less cute with the hood off. I dunno? It's almost like he's so good looking that he's too good looking so he's not good looking anymore. Understand? It's like how pugs are cute because they are so ugly... but the opposite effect. I just don't like guys that are too perfect. Same as I don't like guys who are too built. I don't get it either.

Dinner went well (I noted that he had a Ukranian grandma because you know what that means... homemade perogies mmmm) and he suggested a coffee but I was too full so we rented a movie instead.

On the way from Rogers to my house we took a detour so he could show me his firehouse. It was actually pretty cool. I got to go in the firetruck and everything. They also had this awesome collection of burned crap they got from fires... the best being an artistic toilet seat with drawings of naked ladies on it... and a half burned Thriller album. A Thriller RECORD.

We cuddled up during the movie but he wasn't that comfy. And I thought he smelled slightly weird. You know, like a person's "personal smell?" I just didn't like his.

After the movie he went home and I decided to give him one more chance. We did dinner and went bowling with a group of my friends. When I stopped by his house to meet him I found out why he smelled... his whole house stunk. Kinda like fish. Ugh. I had to breathe through my mouth. Although he did do a good job of getting along with my friends (which can be hard) I just wasn't feeling him.

That smell thing is a hard thing to get over. I kept wondering too about the whole pheremones and sexual attraction thing. Maybe I'm repelled by his smell because we're incompatible... or maybe we're actually related and would have flipper-babies or something? Scary.

And he was kinda boring. I don't do boring!

Sad Fireman.

Whee dee dee dee ... Whee dee dee dee

I got a call the other day from VISA center to tell my that my card MAY have been compromised so I needed to cancel it and get a new one. MAY have been? I'd have liked to take my chances but I don't think they really allow that.

The new one of course is one of those chip cards... which I didn't want anyways. That's why I liked my VISA... I didn't need to get my ass up and go put my code in. Well no longer! I guess it's not that bad. Pressing in the numbers probably doesn't take as long as signing my freakishly long name.

A few days after I got my new card in the mail I got my letter with my pin code... and here is the really freaky thing... the randomly assigned code was the exact same code I had used on my debit card for like 8 years. It's the code I would still have now... had my debit card not also been cancelled because of some supposed fraud and I had to change it too.

The moral of the story: "The Man" is spying on you. Right now. Better put your pants back on! This "Big Brother" shit is coming true. I was born in 1984... I know!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Ma Birfday!

Thanks to all my friends I had an awesome birthday this year! You know who you are!

I bought a super-sexy pink'n'black Barbie dress to wear and I LOVE it. All I needed was a cute purse. I had called my girlfriend that day to ask if she had a black clutch I could borrow... and she surprised me by getting me a perfect black patent one for my birthday... It was awesome. My sis Nicole also dyed (sorry Nicole, BLEACHED) and styled my hair for the event.

*Aside: I have coupons (free haircut w/highlights and $10 off haircut) and referral stuff if anyone needs a new hairdresser!

I started the night with friends for dinenr at Galini Greek Restaurant where I had half a bottle of champagne and a seafood alfredo (delicious!) I was honestly sad that I was heading to the bar after so I couldn't pack it up to take home.

Then we headed to Vanilla Room. No cover, free drinks... That place is always a good time! I even danced on the box for a bit... but got off pretty fast because the girlfriend I was up there with is a little dizzy while sober, so while drunk I was sure I was gonna get pushed off and break my face.

I love my birthday. I love getting drunk and mingling. I love talking to random people.

Me and this one guy had a staring contest... So random. Then he invited me to go to some party where Hedley and Default were, but I was tired so we went home instead.

I ended the night with a free cheeseburger when the McDonald's people screwed up my friend's order. A great way to end a great night.

Grand Theft Bloggo

Something interesting, and yes, I totally stole this off someone else's blog.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Apparently I'm on a Roll!

I went out with my friend to the bar the other day. I'll give you two guesses where we went, but you'll only need one! Drumroll please.... The Roxy!

I'll also give you two guesses who we met... No, thankfully not Chad Kroeger..... Hockey players!

Honestly, you would think I search them out or something but they just seem to find me. It's never even my idea to go to The Roxy, it's always my girlfriend's.

Anyways we were chillin' at the bar when a guy (who I had actually pointed one out to my friend and said I bet he's a hockey player because of the fact that he had slicked back helmet hair and later found out that he wore it that way because he lost a bet) walked up and bumped me and apologized, then started hitting on us. With him he brought this super cute guy who I had checked out earlier and wrote off because I figured he was around 19. (He turned out to be 21.) They told us they were hockey players and starts to say "We're in town to play the ..." and I was waiting for him to say Giants since they looked so young... but he said "Canucks on Sunday." Interesting.

Anyways... to make a long story short... the really cute young one kissed me and asked me to come back to his hotel with him.

You know what that means: Official count of NHL Players that have asked me to do them = 4! FOUR! This is just getting silly!

We left the Roxy and headed to Doolins where I ran into a guy I haven't seen since high school who now lives in Ontario. Random! It was nice to catch up and I laughed my ass off when I found out that his identical twin brother (who in high school fell off a cliff while drunk and had to have his jaw wired shut) is now in Cirque de Soliel. I NEED to see that.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Wow... Pull the Race Card!

This guy sent me a message the other day telling me that he liked my blue eyes and wanted to stare into them. Hmm ... creepy.

After no reply from me he then wrote: "What, you don't like my complement?" which again, I ignored. (Yes, he spelled compliment wrong, although complement is a part of the immune system, but I digress.)

Then he messaged me and said that I was cold.

Cold? Really? I finally messaged back and said that I'm not cold, I just don't like him and I thought that me not replying to him would get the message across. (Ok, so maybe THAT message was a little cold... but he pushed me to it! Take a hint!)

After that he sent me this:

not your type? you mean because i'm not white? you know it's 21st century and its okay to date outside your race. brown people and white people aren't even that different; we're the same race, just different breeds. caucasian = caucus mountains of ASIA.

i messaged you because i thought we might get along. i read your profile and you honestly sound like a decent girl. then i gave you a complement on your eyes and you rubbed it off like you heard it from a street hobo or something. i'm not a street hobo, they make me show up in a suit 5 times a week. i'm tall, with dark features, cute if not handsome, and fk, i have a 5 o clock shadow that visits me everyday.

i took special note when you mentioned you were 'open-minded' , but if you have some phobia for brown guys and you're scared of us or you look down on us, what am i suppose to do?

WOW. Just WOW. I guess it's easier for him to believe that I'm a racist than I just don't like him.

I mean, I enjoy a good racist joke as much as the next gal, but deep down I'm not truly that racist. I have friends that are tonnes of different races. And I've made out with a brown guy, a half brown guy and a half Asian... Put them together and that is two, count 'em TWO non-white people.

I wrote back and said: "Actually, I've dated two brown guys and I'm NOT a racist. It's a pretty big assumption when you decide I don't like you because of your skin colour. Maybe you should take another look in the mirror... because you aren't as good looking as you think you are. THAT's why I didn't message you back."

I really thought that it would work... It didn't.

He told me... and I quote "I'm like a brown Burt Reynolds... oozing with manliness."

Burt Reynolds? Really? REALLY? Pick a celebrity from this decade at least. I can't deal with this!

Monday, March 09, 2009

Birthday Repeats

Do people change? Maybe. But deep down they really stay the same.

How do I know this? Because two people bought me the EXACT same birthday card this year as they did last year.

The honours go to Jaelene and my grandma.

My grandma is old and I think she drinks a lot... she has an excuse. Jae's a brunette at the moment... No excuse.

I loved it though. Sometimes it feels like everything in life changing too fast and nothing stays the same, so it's nice to have some stability. And it makes me laugh and I like that. And it was a really cute card. MUAH!

A Birthday Surprise!

On my birthday a bunch of family came over for dinner. We had turkey. YUM. We also had Chocolate Stout Cupcakes with Vanilla Cream Cheese Icing. DOUBLE YUM.

We were all sitting in the living room watching the hockey game and then between periods they did a profile on some player. I wasn't really paying attention, until my uncle made some comment about the guy. I sat there for a minute thinking about why his name was familiar to me.

Then I remembered why: I made out with him a few years ago. See Just Call me Demi... or a Puck Bunny circa 2005.

I wanted to yell "I made out with that dude hahaha!" but then changed my mind considering my whole family was there including my sister, her hubby, my parents, aunt, uncle and grandma.

Perhaps not quite appropriate, but I had myself a good giggle.

Friday, March 06, 2009

Cheap-o Blackhead Strips?

Kym Douglas, the author of books such as The Black Book of Hollywood Beauty Secrets and The Black Book of Hollywood Diet Secrets, was on Ellen yesterday to share with viewers some recession-proof beauty secrets.

One of them was washing your hair with beer (heard it before) and another was a way to get rid of blackheads.

She said that instead of using those expensive Biore Pore Strips to just use some white children's glue. Put it on your nose and let it dry, and when it comes off the blackheads come right out with it.

I was intrigued and decided to put this to the test. After washing my face last night I grabbed my Ross School Glue from my scrapbooking kit, smeared it on my nose and let it set.

It didn't work.

In the glue I could see indents where the pores are, but nothing had come out. The only thing I could see on the glue were those teeny-tiny blonde hairs you have all over your body. It did work as an exfoliator however, the same way as a peel-off mask, and my skin felt really smooth after.

Although the store-bought strips don't get rid of all your blackheads at least they get some, especially in the creases of your ala (good word eh?)

Maybe I'll try the glue trick for leg waxing?

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Be a MAN!

There's this one guy I was supposed to have gone on a date with for over a month now, but things keep getting messed up and we cancelled. First I was sick, then we were both busy, then I had my board exam etc etc.

We finally locked down a date... But I didn't hear from him until like 7:30pm that night. He said he had accidently left his phone at home and just got home from work. I was heading out to hip hop class and didn't have time that night so we re-scheduled for Sunday.

Sunday night came around... and at about 8:00pm I got a text from him saying he's too busy and wants to re-schedule... again. Well thank God I didn't get all dressed up or I would have been pissed, but I was kinda mad anyways.

I texted back saying "Don't bother. I'm done."

So what does he do? Email me the next day apologizing and saying that he took the easy way out by texting. Well what is emailing? The even EASIER way out!

Honestly... Why don't guys ever pick up the damn phone and call you anymore? Grab a pair of cojones and dial her number boys! Believe me, she's not THAT scary.

Even worse is when you meet a guy and he wants to give you his number instead of taking yours. I was talking to a guy at the bar the other night and had to get going so I offered to give him my number. Then he started to argue with me about who was going to take whose number. I almost got up and walked away. I guess his point was that if I call him then he knows I'm interested... But I'M the one who offered up my number. Why would you say no?

And what does he do? TEXT me, of course!

Sometimes I wish texting was never invented. Grow up, stop being a pussy and use the phone like it was meant to be used!

Everything you ever wanted (or didn't want) to know about vaginal dilators

I was chilling at home on the couch watching The Real World when Caitlin, the post-op transsexual who used to be a dude and is now a chick, starts talking about her vaginal dilator.


It was something I had never thought about before... but I guess it makes sense that you need to stretch it out after surgery or it will heal up... like an earring hole?

This is what I found out on the internet:

"Vaginal dilators need to be used as a post operative aid by transsexuals. Using a dilator is absolutely vital to helping the healing process and preventing narrowing or complete collapse of the newly-formed vagina. The dilation process is essential to ensuring a well formed vaginal opening and indeed to the wellbeing of the whole vaginal structure. Dilation must be regularly carried out daily or twice daily during the first year after gender reassignment surgery. Many surgeons will also advise that dilation of the vaginal cavity should be carried out on a weekly basis for life. Failure to follow recommended dilation procedures can result in the failure of reassignment surgery. "

Interesting. You always hear the jokes about chicks being too loose (the whole hotdog down a hallway thing) but never too tight. Well actually... there was a rumor that went around my high school about this one couple that was dating. She was very petite and he was a big dude and the rumor was that they could only have anal because it "didn't fit." I choose to believe the rumor because I don't like her anyways.

Back to the topic at hand... What this would really be helpful for is drug smuggling. Think about it... I could have so many free trips to Thailand...

"Hey Danielle, where's that kilo of cocaine you were supposed to bring across the border?"

"Don't worry... it's right here in my poon! I'll just stick my arm in and grab it!"

In conclusion, I saved the best for last. A picture. I chose this one because it's the prettiest. Nothing says vaginal dilation like pastels and lilies right?

PS. They have rectal dilators too. I guess in case your hamster gained a few extra pounds? That's a whole nother story.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

I love flowers!

Well I was kinda upset that I didn't get anything for grad... but my parents reedeemed themselves by giving me some white and pink roses and a card when I passed my board exam.

They also told me that they would be proud of me for 4 days and then I had to start looking for a job. Thanks guys!

I forgot to water the roses and they died in about 4 days. I blame my mom. She's the plant person so I assumed she would take care of the flowers. Guess I'll never count on her again!

The Bachelor Oooohhhh!!

Last night after The Bachelor finale I had all these bad, crazy dreams.

I hadn't really watched this season because of the fact that the guy had a kid and I didn't want to see the kid exploited (a la ... here kid one of these 25 ladies is going to be your new mommy.) Then there was nothing on last monday so I watched "The Bachelor - The Women Tell All" and I was hooked.

Last night was the finale and the "After The Final Rose" special.

I was happy during the finale that he picked Melissa, the one I liked the best. Molly, the other one has freaky eyes that stick out too far. A little bushbaby-esque.

Crazy shit went down at the after-show though! He dumped Melissa on live TV and admitted he was still in love with Molly. Say what?!?

That's why someone with kids shouldn't be on this show. For the last 6 weeks this kid has been told that his dad is going to marry this lady, and all of a sudden she's gone and there's a new one in her place? Can you say therapy?

Also, ok so the guy changed his mind. You can't blame him for that. I totally believe in the "all's fair in love and war" philosophy, and in following your heart. But come on, lots of these Bachelor relationships don't work out, but they don't break it off on live TV. He could have done this in private.

Tonight they're doing ANOTHER after-show to show where they all are now. We'll see if him and Molly are still together!

That is all, except for one more thing. I think I'm gonna try out to be on the show. Who has a video camera?