Life Is Precious - So Is My Bodily Discharge
(Taken from T-Shirt Hell Newsletter, Early August... Used without permission, sorry)
Banning the use of stem cells in medical research is a big step in the right direction, but it doesn't go nearly far enough. If you truly wish to protect life in all of its forms you are going to have to get just a little crazier and laugh in the face of scientific fact just a little more. I have just a few suggestions on how we can accomplish this.
The first thing we need to do is ban the wasting of sperm in any way, shape or form. Here is a brief list of things that will no longer be permitted under this rule. No contraceptive use, no masturbating, no pulling out, no swallowing and no anal sex. All of these things waste precious life-giving materials and will not be tolerated. If you must do any of these, you must place your "leavings" in a government issued petri dish and mail it to the Department of Agriculture (don't ask).
Furthermore, no more sex with animals. If it created life in the form of a half dog/half human or half llama/half human it would be acceptable, but until scientists create animals that can be impregnated by humans no animal sex will be allowed.
And while we cannot stop individuals from having wet dreams, we can harvest the material they discharge over night. So all males who have gone through puberty will be required, by law, to wear a sperm collection bin on their genitals while they sleep.
Those are the obvious steps we must take, but there's so much more. Like it or not, the world is full of rapists, pedophiles and other sexual deviants. We cannot stop them from performing illegal sex acts, but we can do the next best thing. We can make sure women of all ages are capable of being impregnated. From the ages of 0-100, all females must be able to conceive. If this means a 9-month-old baby gives birth, so be it. No one ever said protecting life at all costs would make sense.
And it goes without saying that abortion will not be allowed under any circumstances. If a 12-year-old is raped by her uncle and will produce a four-fingered baby with a tail, she must keep it. Protecting life means keeping things alive, not keeping them healthy. If, through some unforeseeable circumstances, you MUST get an abortion, the substances taken from your womb will be used in the creation of a patched together baby. A Franken-baby, if you will.
And in that same vein, women's ovaries will be genetically engineered and the ovulation cycle will be altered to run all day, every day. If women have sex while they aren't ovulating, the sperm they have received will go to waste, and the sexual activity will have been performed for absolutely no reason. This cannot be allowed.
These are all important things we must do in order to preserve humanity. The nearly seven billion people on Earth may make it seem like we don't need to work so hard to protect life, but that's not the case. Because there is one threat to life that is more dangerous than anything else I've mentioned. Death. Death is a merciless killer and will stop at nothing to wipe out the human race. Overpopulating the planet is a great way to fight death, but it's not enough. We've got to stop letting people die. If that means hooking up the elderly to a dozen machines just so their heart keeps beating, then that's a sacrifice we must make. Even if the only thing a person can do is occupy space, we can't let them go.
So in this Utopia I've planned for us, the world will be covered with flipper babies and half human/half robot senior citizens. Like I said, keeping someone alive is more important than keeping them happy. After all, God gave us the precious gift of life, and we must not allow him to take it back.