I'm R-Patz... but not as pretty.

I have two zits right now, that are smack dab in the middle of my chest.

It looks like I got bitten by a vampire.

Except shittier.

I'm thinking of buying a Costco-sized tube of body glitter and trying to "pass" until it goes away.

Win?

Quote of the Weekend

"WOW! That's one huge pill....... oh, it's a tampon."
- Cece

At least he's not sleeping with kids this time!

As if everyone didn't already know that R. Kelly was a sex-crazed weirdo, here are a few things you should know he wants, based on tracks off his new CD Mix Tape:

I've highlighted a few of the... um... highlights.

1. To make the p-u-s-s-y cry (“P.U.S.S.Y. Cry”)

2. To give you a backrub, followed by a trip to the hot tub (“Birthday Sex”)

3. For people not to disrespect his shorty, since he likes her sex (“Disrespect My Shorty”)

4. To hit that big old [ass], even though his girl similarly has a big old [ass] (“Disrespect My Shorty”)

5. To have you scream “It hurts, it hurts!” then have you concede that his lovemaking quenches your thirst, your thirst (“Birthday Sex”)

6. To get him some of that birthday sex (“Birthday Sex”)

7. To turn this club into a bedroom (“Club 2 A Bedroom”)

8. For you not to trip; he owns the club, so you don’t gotta worry ’bout security (“Club 2 A Bedroom”)

9. To get some gratuity, and he don’t mean cash, girl (“Tip The Waiter”)

10. To make it rain like a ticker-tape parade (“Tip The Waiter”)

11. For you not to knock his dick and a half (“Every Girl”)

12. To touch booty like he’s playing it (“Every Girl”)

13. For all y’all to have his baby (“Every Girl”)

14. To have them bitches that are hating on you rubbing on you (“Every Girl”)

15. To eat the coochie of all the girls wearing Gucci (“Every Girl”)

16. For you to listen to his mix-tape, cause it’s Kells, bitches (“Every Girl”)

17. For haters to get fucked with a sandpaper dick (“Best I Ever Had”)

18. To make you say silly shit with his silly dick (“Turning Me On”)

19. To take your sexy ass home and show you how he licks it (“Turning Me On”)

20. To get up in a whole lot of ass (“Turning Me On”)

21. To protect you from a lack of sex (“Supa Dupa Man”)

22. To hit you with super-love so pleasing it’s better than any TV show, better even than HBO, so good he’ll get thumbs-up when he goes low (“Supa Dupa Man”)

23. For you to get on his lap and go-go, since the rearview mirror is saying no po-po (“Makin’ Me Wanna”)

24. To fuck every girl he sees, from the hood to the fucking industry, even the Statue of Liberty (“Every Girl”)

my sister loves this one

When I did my taxes this year instead of just doing it on the computer I needed to get a company to do it because of the Passion Parties home business. I was in Sears with my mom and decided to check out the prices at the H&R Block inside it.

The Asian tax man informed us that we'd need to speak to the man who deals with the business taxes and that he wasn't there that day. He told us the name and said to call the next day.

I asked if we could get a card with his name on it, just as my mom was asking "So just call tomorrow and ask for Chowse?"

I looked at the business card. It said Charles.

Not her fault... that's how the guy pronounced it... I'm just glad I didn't say it. Way to be mama! HAHAHA

Last Train to Awesometown

"Dude... this party has 5 different kinds of nachos!"

This one's a must-watch. Do it.

Fun Fact of the Day

Caesar salad was invented in Tijuana, Mexico.
I know... who knew?
Tacos, burritos and Caesar salad... these people are geniuses!

The Bay Bitch

I went into The Bay yesterday to buy some cute fishnets for the stagette I'm attending tonight. After looking around for a while I chose 3 pairs. One of them had no price tag, so I checked the other packages and they didn't either. I looked for a sign and the only one I saw was "Buy one get one half off" so I proceeded to the check-out thinking that they couldn't cost too much.

When I got to the check-out (I had gone to the upstairs one since it was on my way out) the cashier pointed out to me that there was no price tag so I told her that I knew and couldn't find a price. She was like "Ok, so I'll have to go downstairs to see."

So she rang in the other two pairs and told me the price. I asked her "Um, what about the third pair?" to which she replied "Oh well you'll have to go downstairs to that section and pay for that since I don't know the price."

I looked at her funny, like "yeah, I'm REALLY going to wait in line then pay for two pairs here then go downstairs to find someone then wait in line to pay for a third pair" so she said she'll try to call down to that section even though no one usually answers there. After calling she told me "See... I told you they never answer, you'll have to go down there."

I was trying to ask her if she could call down to the downstairs check-out (as opposed to underwear section) and she interrupted me and was like "I JUST did and I TOLD you they didn't reply!"

Then she said "When you were down there didn't you look around to see if you could find someone to tell you the price?" I said "No." (Well you JUST told me that no one is ever in that section... so who would I have found to ask you cow?)

She told me again that I'll have to go down there, find someone to ask the price and pay downstairs.

There is no way in hell I was gonna do that.

I said to her: "Well as someone shopping in a store I don't think it's my job to do that."

She walked off in a huff to go downstairs and check saying "Well the price should have been on there in the first place!" (NO SHIT... Thank your store for that, it's not my fault!)

She finally came back with a similar pair that had a tag on it and was cordial from then on.

Hope you're looking forward to a strongly worded letter Bay Bitch! Sure, maybe I'd be a bitch too if I was 45 and earning $10 an hour... but don't take it out on me!

There is NO way she would have treated an older adult like this... it's complete bullshit.

The Punk

I was cleaning a 17-year-old's teeth the other day and he tells me that I'm polishing wrong. He says "You do it differently than the others, they get it into the crevasses more." He then proceeds to demonstrate in the air for me. I tell him "That's what I am doing." He says "That's not what it feels like."

OK buds!

Then a couple minutes later he asks me: "So are you an intern or something?" To which I reply "Um no... I work here."

GRRR!

A few minutes later he asks another question: "So do you need to have like formal training to work here?"

COME ON!!

I answer "Yes, I went to school for about 5 years."

Then when he's leaving he asks me how old I am so I tell him 25. He says kind of dejected "Oh."

Apparently he wouldn't have been mouthing me off if he didn't think I was around 19. I know I look young... but show some respect! I have sharp instruments in your mouth and I can cause some serious damage!

wow... I even amaze myself sometimes

I just had the best thought: next time I have sex (which let's face it, probably won't be anytime soon, but whatever) I'm going to say something really crazy to the guy.

For example: "Wow, that was soooo awesome. You are AMA-ZING! You're like the sex Terminator, you know, like a robot that came from the future to teach me what great sex is supposed to be like."

You know why: because even if he told people no one would believe him that I really said it. Think about it. I'm a friggin' genius.

If anyone has some suggestions I'm totally open to that too.

Sexy Vampires are Destroying our Nation's Children

You heard me right... read all about it here.