Nut Crunching

This one's for you Nat!

I was sitting at my work reading The Province newspaper the other day when I came across this article: Langley man loses testicle after random, vicious kick by woman. Let's just say it got my attention.

t seems a 22-year-old Langley man was walking along, minding his bizzness, when along comes a girl who out of nowhere just sacks him in the junk.

That's not the worst of it... She kicked him so hard that one of the balls went up into his abdomen... something he didn't notice until later when he looked down and noticed a lack of ball between his legs. During his surgery doctors discovered that the testicle had ruptured and had to be removed, to be replaced later with a prosthetic.

Now let's go over the description... this Bend-it-like-Beckam ball batter (ohhh yeah) sounds strikingly similar to someone I know very well... ME. Uh oh:

"The suspect is described as a Caucasian woman (CHECK), in her late teens or early 20s (CHECK). She was between five foot five and five foot seven tall (CHECK) and 130 pounds with a slim build (CHECK), and brown hair (Well I did get lowlights the other day)."

For another interesting view on the subject check it out at dlisted.

Cruise Day Two

I woke up, and before I opened my eyes I could feel the ship moving back and forth and up and down. You could hear the whoosh-whoosh of the waves hitting this shit. And I started to feel a little nauseous. Contrary to popular belief (MOM!) I wasn't hungover, I was slightly seasick.

Sitting out on the balcony in my pajamas and winter coat helped a little. Then I went downstairs for breakfast (a few tater tots) and back to my room with a Gravol to sleep it off. I woke up in the afternoon feeling a lot better for dinner.

After dinner we headed to the Safari Lounge for some "The Dating Game" action. The night before I'd promised one of the ship's activities girls that I'd do the game... so I went up and played... sober. It was a little nerve-wracking being up there answering embarassing questions in front of my entire family. I didn't get chosen (a girl with an Australian accent did) but it was ok, the guy was 18 anyway.

One of the guys that played the game after us was the one I'd met the night before and thought was kinda cute. But, they were calling him a different name. I was confused so I called him on it later. He was like "You were so drunk I didn't wanna give you a real name incase you were crazy!" I was like "Ummm we're on a ship together for 7 days and you don't think I'll figure it out?? I learned his real name, but for privacy's sake we'll refer to him as Big D.

Later that night he made out with a nasty girl from Quebec with big hair who was crazy drunk and all over both him and his brother. I couldn't really blame him. Most guys will kiss a girl that's throwing herself all over them.

Alaskan Cruise - Day Uno

This September I packed my bags (and packed them as heavy as I wanted... no plane ride!) and along with 11 members of my family and their friends boarded Royal Caribbean's Serenade of the Seas headed for Alaska.

Before I even left the harbour I picked up a guy. I was standing on the balcony looking around and a guy waved at my. I waved back and we started yelling back and forth. Then he came and met me on the ship to say "Hi" and a I gave him my number. He was kinda cute; short though.

I had a surprise for me, my sister and my cousin... super cute bear hats that my friend had knitted! Yayyy!

Leaving Vancouver was really cool, even though we left from a crappy-ass shipyard near Hasting's insted of the downtown port. I felt bad thinking that this is the first view of Vancouver the out-of-towners would see. Leaving Van the weather was cool, but sunny.

Sailing past Stanley Park and under the Lion's Gate Bridge was cool. The top of the ship comes sooo close to the bridge.

Then it was the first of many course-filled dinners. They weren't all spectacular, and the desserts were ok, but the soups were really good every night. And the best part was you could order more than one entree! I don't know how I managed to gain no weight over the course of the cruise.

That night I got LIQUORED. Starting at dinner with wine, then continuing with my good friend Vodka. I hit up the show and then the casino with the parentals. I was ripping shit up at the 3-card poker table. I think I won like 60 bucks. That's a lot for me! Usually I lose $20 while gambling and am like "Screw this!"

After that the family headed to the lounge to watch some karaoke. A few people were not bad, but most were brutal. There were these two huge fat girls from Saskatchewan that kept singing 90's pop. The worst part was that they thought they were good. We needed Simon from American Idol to pop up and trash their dreams.

Later on my cousin and I met a few guys up at the "club." Well she was chatting up a German kid named Sebastion, and I had to be wingman with his creepy friends. I suggested we go down to the solarium to get pizza.

Down there I saw two guys who looked relatively normal, one was even kinda cute, so I thought I'd chat them up a bit in hopes that the creepers would get the hint and leave. It didn't work, they just stood there for probably half an hour while I drunkenly talked to these guys. As I do while I'm drunk I try to prove how smart I am despite the blondeness, so I was telling one to ask me science questions. He asked me where the hypothalamus was (which I know) and I point to my neck where the thalamus is located. Wrong! In the brain, dumbass! Anyways even if I was acting like a drunken mess I was saying comments and cracking one of them up. They told me that their names were Blake and ___ (can't remember the other name... anyone help me out?)

Then I went to bed and passed out.

Quote of the Day

Sex is like air ... you don't care about it until you aren't getting any.

This quote brought to you by the letter "J."

How to get a flat stomach

Well, let's see... Photoshop works:


I love how the mouse was shaky on the left hand side... too much coffee this morning mr computer man!

Grrr GAGA

After having amazing tickets for the Kanye West/Lady Gaga show and having it be cancelled I was pretty disappointed. The shining light to break me out of my funk was to find out that Lady Gaga will still be touring without Kanye, but at a different venue.

Thinking that tickets go on sale this Saturday I decided to check out the Ticketmaster website to see how much they are.

I searched for the show, and it took me to the area to purchase tickets. To my surprise tickets were already on sale! I put in my info, got some tickets and went to purchase them, only to see that when I went to enter the info for my VISA they were only taking American Express. This was a surprise to me, as I've purchased countless other tickets before with it.

I called the Ticketmaster number and found out that tickets were only on sale at this point for American Express cardholders.

At this point I'm pissed. Fine, they have some sort of presale privileges, but they shouldn't let someone get 3/4 through buying tickets before discovering this. They should have a note that says this before you can order tickets, or you should have to enter a presale code like normal to even get to that point.

Not happy!

Wendy's Wedding

This summer I attended my first traditional Chinese wedding. Or any Chinese wedding, but whatever!

The ceremony was in Port Moody and I thought I was going to be late. I booked it there and it was ok because all my other girlfriends were late too. The ceremony was a little long, including the entire family going up to take puctures, but at least it was in English for the most part. We also got little appies in the lobby there and cute little pics that the bride and groom had taken in Hong Kong.

After that we headed to Milestones for some brunch. I heart Milestone's brunch. Breakfast burrito mmmm. Drinking in the afternoon mmmm mmmm. I had a bit of a buzz on. It was nice.

The reception was at Kirin seafood restaurant. And boy, was it an eye opener. Upon seeing the menu I was like "this is going to be INTERESTING." The husband of one of the ladies even went over to Quiznos since he didn't like seafood. There were things like abalone, shark fin soup, suckling pig, and endless other weird concoctions that I can't remember at this point.

The wedding favours were really cute. There were either a Chinese bride and groom cartoon keychain set, or a bride and groom as little piggies baby spoon set. A-DOR-A-BLE.

I got this pic from Google, but we had a lot of these courses. We had the top left to start, which included some yummy pork and some octopus or squid or something. We also had the one on the right of that which was really good... crab meat wrapped around a crab claw and deep fried. We had the noodles on the bottom left too which were good, and the shark fin soup, third from the right at the top.

The wedding was also different, because the bride changed outfits probably four times, and we played shower-type games at the wedding. In one all the single ladies had to hold out our hands to see if the groom could guess whose hand was his brides. He guessed wrong. In another game I won a prize... a set of little heart shaped sugar bowls.

The wedding stopped right after dinner though. No dancing, no nothing. That was kinda disappointing. I like to get my groove on at a wedding. So I went home and went to bed.

Coors Light Boat Cruise

A friend of mine is a rep for Coors Light, so recently a huge group of us all went on a Coors Light Booze Cruise around Vancouver Harbour.

We met up at a friend's place and then took the Coors Light bus downtown. It wasn't quite as rowdy as usual considering it was like 12 in the morning. The big news was that the Port Mann was super backed up, and one of the boys took a big poop in the little bathroom and used all the toilet paper. Great.

We got to the water and boarded the boat. Hmmm. Not quite what I was expecting for $40 a pop, not including alcohol. It was a little ghetto. I kept expecting Gilligan and the Skipper to pop out. The stairway down to the bathrooms was crazy steep and smelled, and the toilets kept getting backed up. (Well, a lot of the people on the boat were just too stupid to try holding the handle down for like 3 seconds to wait for a flush. Common sense, people!)

The booze was flowing, but the food was a little stalled. Finally when it came out it was hotdogs. Period. No salad, no potato salad, no pasta salad, no chips, no nothing on the side. Just steamed hot dogs. Oh well, I had 2.

The day was ok. It's always nice to see friends, but I just wasn't that into getting loaded so the day kinda dragged.

The highlight was actually when we were headed back and a super drunk guy jumped off the ship and swam to shore, then sprinted alongside the boat until the coast guard got him. Pretty much everyone on the whole ship was leaning over the side and cheering him on. Go buddy!

We got back and headed back onto the Coors Light bus and this was where the party really got fun. Who would have thought that the bus ride would win over a big boat, but it was crazy fun. Everyone was drunk at this point so we were all dancing. It was kinda like a mosh pit because every time we hit a bump you'd go flying into the other people. One of my friends was ripping up the leis we were wearing so there were fake flowers flying everywhere. (Ooh alliteration.)

We got back and headed to Sammy J's for some food. I proceeded to orded something with a rediculous amount of modifiers. When I tell the waitress she's gonna need to write it down I mean it! Then it was time to crash.

A few days later looking at the pictures the whole day looked super fun. One of my friends commented to me that the pictures make it look better than it really was and I was like "Weird, I was thinking the exact same thing!"

I'm East Indian Barbie!

I recently attended my first East Indian wedding. Well, first as a guest. I've been slaving my ass off bartending at them for over a year now, and let me tell ya, it's a lot nicer being on the other side of the bar.

We started the morning off with some McBreakfast. Mmmm. Bad idea though. No, not because of the impending diarrhea... because we found out that you eat at the temple before the ceremony... AND after the ceremony.

I wore a "white person" outfit to the ceremony at the temple, but brought my mom's shawl to cover my head. Good thing too, because if I hadn't I would have to wear this napkin thing and look like a pirate. Arrr.

Needless to say I didn't understand a word of the ceremony... really need to work on my Punjabi. All I can say is "hello," "water," and "go fuck your sister." The priest guy kept waving this thing that looked like a big feather duster and the couple got a lot of money.

After the ceremony (and eating again) we headed back to my friend's house to relax before the reception. They fell asleep immediately and I was awake so went on the computer for a bit and then into her roommates room to sleep. When I finally started to doze of they came in and wanted to talk. When I need to sleep I need to sleep... so they went to Cactus Club and I went to lalaland.

Some other friends came over to tie my sari and get my ready for the ceremony. I had borrowed a light pink sari from a girl my mom used to work for. Then I did pink makeup and a pink dot thingy (word?) on my forehead. I'm not afraid to say it... I looked DAMN GOOD.

The wedding was a lot of fun too. Pretty much it was a lot of eating and drinking (open bar... what what!) until the couple showed up at like 10:30. Then we ate the actual dinner and danced. I got into a dance-off with this middle aged Indian lady which was crazy fun.

The bride's 19-year-old cousin was hitting on me. Very cute... but 19. And brown. Not my thing! Not a racist... but I've been there before and it doesn't work. Only white boys for me!

Some guys wanted me to come out downtown with them. I was like "Ummm do you see what I'm wearing?" and they were like "So?" Yeah... not gonna wear a sari to Republic. We went home and crashed.

Rock the Bells

I like music. I like sunshine. I like beer. Therefore I attended Rock the Bells 2009 at Deer Lake Park.

The morning started out a little rough because of the piece of shit Easypark machine I had to use. What was supposed to be $15 for 24hr parking turned out to be $24. We tried all different possibilites of button pushing, as well as calling the helpline and then using the pay-by-phone feature. Nothing worked to make it equal $15. (When I called them later for my refund the lady blamed me for not being patient enough with the machine... dumbass... I'm from the technology age, I can use a parking machine! But I got my $9 refund, thank you very much!)

After that debaucle my friend and I started the day off right with the most amazing brunch I've ever had on her friend's rooftop patio in Kits. I'm talking bacon, scrambled eggs with pesto, toast, champagne with strawberries, fruit salad, hasbrowns... and feta cheese, homemade guacamole and chipotle sauce to pull it all together. Mmmm yeah.

We then hopped into a cab with a dumbass cabbie who can't find the venue (even after the dispatcher, our group, and multiple friends on his phone told him) and won't crack a window or put on the AC. No tip for you, asshole!

We got to the concert, waited in line, waited in line again, waited in line again and then finally got some beer. They also had this cider which wasn't bad, kinda like Strongbow. That's what I don't like about these events though... having two drinks to choose from. I like my hard alcohol!

The concert wasn't bad. Common, Damien Marley, Nas and RZA all performed. There were a few bands that were supposed to be there and then dropped out at the last minute... so who filled in? That's right... Cypress Hill. Never in my life did I expect to be rocking out to "Insane in the Membrane" live... but it was great.

After a day of drinking in the heat we actually left during the main show. It had just been a really long day.

My friend and I headed back to her place to relax with a cold shower. Then we went to 7-11 because I had a craving for their nachos. (Squeeze cheese AND squeeze chili? Can't beat it!) When we got to the store they were actually out of the chips so we took home the condiments in coffee cups and used the Tostitos she had at home. Hey, the sign says they're FREE! Then we watched a movie (Bride Wars - Don't bother!) and went to bed. All in all a satisfying day.

Don't Speak!

When my friend Nick and his girlfriend broke up it came in handy for me. So I could do it with Nick? Oh no! So I could score some free No Doubt tickets? Yes, yes sir!

Ok, well actually the tickets we were supposed to get for free accidently got given away to the wrong person so we paid for tickets but it was fun all the same.

He picked me up and we grabbed some Greek food on the way and had a good chat. I was telling him about how I didn't play sports because I had bad hand-eye coordination. He spurts out "Hey! You cleaned my teeth last week!" Oh yeah, that. I swear it's different!

We had purposely tried to be late for the concert because the opening band was Paramore... but there was an opening opening band so we had to suffer through it anyways.

The good part was that for some strange reason they were doing construction in our section so they put us 5 sections closer to the stage which was much appreciated.

Finally the curtain opened and Gwen and the boys emerged. I thought Nick would have a heart attack. He was acting more like a school girl than the actual school girls beside us. I told him to hit on them but we decided that if you have braces you're too young. Plus they were probably wondering who all those guys were on stage and where the Harajuku girls were.

The concert was GREAT. Lots of fun, high evergy. And that girl has ABS! They played all the hits and all the old stuff from their Tragic Kingdom days. I thought I knew them well but Nick knew the words to every single song, even the obsecure ones.

After that we drove around for a bit and decided to go to White Rock for martinis and crab legs but the place was long-closed. In fact everything was closed. It was White Rock (senior city) and it was like 2 in the morning. I don't know what we were thinking.

Sailing, Sailing in the Ocean Blue (Brownish-Blue, it is Vancouver)

A few weeks ago I had left a hoodie at a friend's house so I texted him a few days later on a Sunday morning to see if I could come over to pick it up. The reply I got was "If you can be ready in 20 mins you can come out sailboating today."

I was ready in 20 minutes.

They picked me up, we headed downtown to the waterfront and boarded a 50-foot sailboat. It was WAY huger than I'd expected. It even had 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms.

We started off with an amazing feast. Well it was like cheese and crackers and dip but mmm mm good. Ok well actually we started with a few drinks but that should go without saying.

We drove around Stanley Park and under the Lions's Gate Bridge and all around Vancouver before we put the actual sails up. If anyone's never sailed before, as I hadn't, it's kinda scary. Fun scary, but still scary. The boat is tipped over at like probably a 35 degree angle. Stuff was falling off the shelves in the galley. (Don't worry, the alcohol was safe!) We would go to the opposite side which was up in the air just to balance it out a little.

When the wind died down a bit in the afternoon we moored and went to get some more food. At the dock we were at we were just lying around and tanning when a local celebrity walked by... Pamela Martin, of CTV news fame. We all kinda looked at each other like "Isn't that the news lady?" and then one of my friends chased her down for a picture. You could tell she liked the attention. It's not every day 50-something ladies have 20-something men hooting at them.

After a dinner of roasted chicken, salad and insanely expensive water (we convinced ourselves that the VOSS just tasted better) we headed back to town.

That was definitely better than the lazy Sunday I'd had planned. Thanks Christophe!

PS. I just added this last pic for some man-candy. You're welcome!

The Murphy Wedding

My friend Jen got married on July 4th this year. It was great for her, but for me it was one of those events where everything goes WRONG!

I had invited my friend WEEKS before and kept reminding her to make sure she got the time off. She promised me she was good to go until 2 days before when I asked her what time she was coming over and I got an "Oh... about that..." She bailed. HARD. And I was MAD.

After multiple calls and texts one of my girlfriends from high school agreed to be my lady-date. I was stoked because I hadn't seen her in a while and knew we would have fun tearing up the dance floor and man-hunting at the reception.

We talked the night before about what we were going to wear and what time she was meeting me and I thought we were good to go... until the morning of, that is.

I couldn't get a hold of her and was starting to get a little nervous. It got to the point that I needed to leave if I didn't want to be late and I still hadn't heard from her. I finally sent a text that was like "If you aren't coming just tell me, I need to leave" and nothing.

So.... off to Aldergrove to attend the wedding ALONE. Yep, I pulled some major loner action.

After the wedding and before the reception I was on a major find-a-date mission. Luckily my awesome friend Brad pulled through.

In the in-between time before the reception the friend who had ditched me texted me saying that she had fallen asleep and just woken up and was sorry. I just went solo to a wedding ceremony... sorry doesn't cut it. Especially an I'm sorry TEXT. Pick up the damn phone and call me.

Brad picked me up (late because he'd forgotten his wallet at home and had to turn around on the freeway) and we pulled into the golf course parking lot at the same time as the wedding party's limo.

We ran inside as fast as we could only to discover that it was a seat yourself wedding. No table arrangements at all. So we looked around like "old people? No thanks. Babies? Nada... Ok this table looks ok." and sat down.

Well, we made the correct choice because our table was AWESOME. I also discovered it was open bar and my night started to look even better. We just had to much fun talking and joking around and dancing all night... swapping dates and taking pics. (We gave the dates back after that... it wasn't THAT kind of wedding.)

I was also drunk texting a few guys that night which was pretty fun... OK it was two not a few but still... pimpin'!!

We drunkenly headed home around 1 where I immediately fell asleep. Was I ever glad the night turned out better than the morning!

Cancer Fundariser 2009

This is both something I had a tonne of fun at, but also am proud of.

I not only attended but was a part in (albeit a small part... I sold tickets, made signs, put up tents and picked up garbage) a wonderful cancer fundraiser this May.

Two of my friends lost their mother to cancer while they were young and for a few years now have been doing a fundraiser for their birthday and donating every cent to the Canadian Cancer Society. The last two years they've really stepped up, selling raffle tickets and doing a big concert in their dad's backyard.

I'm happy to say that this year we raised over $38,500. That's a LOT of money!

Not to mention it was a crazy, drunken party. We started in the afternoon with beers and a BBQ, which turned into a concert featuring Mass Undergoe and Daniel Wesley (although I spend Daniel Wesley upstairs in the bathroom blow drying the phone I'd managed to drop in the toilet.)

After that we hopped in the Coors Light bus (ok well I took a cab 'cause I missed the bus) and headed to the club. Oh yeah, it was Vanilla Room. Forgot for a minute there.

Everyone left me at the club to go their various ways: Boston Pizza, hang out with a black dude named Jarome, get arrested... those kind of things.

I ended the night at Denny's laughing until I cried about stupid things because I was so tired. What a good day. Sigh.

Britney Bitch

I know this was sooo long ago (like April long)... but I don't just want to skip ahead and leave things out.

Everyone knows I love Britney. I've loved her since she first came out. Then she went crazy. I still loved her. I knew she would come back.

When she announced a concert in Vancouver I was there. At least, unlike in Grade 10, I wasn't wearing fake leather pants and a white wifebeater.

I pre-drank and had cucumber sandwiches (mmm) at my girlfriend Elise's downtown then headed to GM Place. (I had to meet my girlfriend Cerina there because she worked late.) We got there a bit late (hey, I was druuunk) and I headed upstairs to our seats to catch a bit of the Pussycat Dolls before Cerina arrived. I danced up a storm to Jai Ho before I went down to meet her.

This is where we lucked out. Someone (who I majorly owe and won't be named) managed to get us down onto the floor for the Britney section of the concert.

The concert was good... I mean nothing compares to Brit Brit circa 2002 or so, but she held her own...

Until her diva move that is. She had gone offstage for a costume change and didn't come back... for a half hour. Then a voice came up on the loudspeaker telling us that it was too smoky and a hazard to the dancers. Too smoky? Well first off have you seen the amount of shit coming out of your smoke machines? And secondly you're in VANCOUVER! These things are just a given! The first major concert I ever attended was Our Lady Peace in grade 8 and it was much, much worse.

Finally she came back on and half-assed the rest of the concert.

As she ran off the stage at the end she yelled: “Thanks Vancouver. You were wonderful. Drive safe. Don’t smoke weed! Rock out with your cocks out! Peace out motherfuckers!" At least she's good for a laugh.

The thing is though... I'm like a mama with her child. I can be mad at Britney, I can say that I don't like her very much right now, but I'll always love that little biotch.

Poemski

If the fish swam out of the ocean
and grew legs and they started walking
and the apes climbed down from the trees
and grew tall and they started talking
and the stars fell out of the sky
and my tears rolled into the ocean
now I'm looking for a reason why
you even set my world into motion...